


Slenderman's Too Slender, and Other Shitty Proclamations

by ikkka, RottenGoreGoblin



Series: Crack Fics [1]
Category: Creepypasta - Fandom
Genre: A lot of Shrek, Accidental Baby Acquisition, Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anime References, Ass Pain, Attempted Kidnapping, Autism, Autism Spectrum, BEN is a dog whistle, Bad Flirting, Bad Spelling & Grammar, Bank Robbery, Bombing, Boys Kissing, Broccoli, Broccoli Leaves, Broccosexual, Candy, Carrot Waffles, Cauliflower, Cauliflowerjob, Caulisexual, Communism, DDLG, Dabbing, Daddy Kink, Dancing, Depression, Discrimination, Disney References, Drug Dealing, EJ is Pure, EJ is disappointed, Eggplant Dealing, Emoji Speak, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Faygo, Faygo (Homestuck), Fist Fights, Flirting, Flossing, Food, Food Kink, Food Sex, Food Vore, Fortnite Nation, Frankie is a Weeb, Ghosts, Grief/Mourning, Grocery Shopping, Grocery Store Robbery, Grossman is an Incel, Homophobic Language, Hype Dancing, Illegal Activities, Incel - Freeform, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, Japanese Script, Kissing, Kool Aid Man References, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Discrimination, LGBTQ Themes, Laughing Jack is traumatized, Lingerie, Loss, M/M, Made Up Sexualities, Mpreg, Multi, Mysterious Medicine, Needles, Ninja (the YouTuber), Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Overweight, Overweight Woman, Please Don't Take This Seriously, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rectal Pain, Robbery, Sad Attempt at Blowjob, Seizures, Shenanigans, Shitty Irish Accents, Shopping, Shrek - Freeform, Shrek Merchandise, Shrek is Love Shrek is Life, Slender Man is a Communist, Slender Man is also a Weeb, Slurs, Spirits, Stealing, Suicidal Thoughts, Supermarket Shenanigans, Terrorism, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Ticci Toby is a Hexagonal Pancake, Tokyo Ghoul References, Vegetarians & Vegans, Vomiting, Vore, Waffles, Wallbreaking, children fighting, eggplants, emoji, fortnite, fortnite dancing, handjobs, mogai, obesity, regurgitation, stalin - Freeform, stranger danger, supermarket, this fanfiction is a total joke btw, tokyo ghoul - Freeform, we're poking fun at our 2015 selves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2019-09-23 15:10:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17082671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikkka/pseuds/ikkka, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RottenGoreGoblin/pseuds/RottenGoreGoblin
Summary: *clears throat* This is a modern classic in the making; you will laugh, you will cry, you will scream. Get ready for thrills! Get ready for chills! On this thrilling journey, we follow a band of misfits through their trials and tribulations. Will they make it out okay, or will the darkness lurking within consume them??EDIT (04/14/19): New and improved! Now with an actual plot!





	1. *cough* The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Masky has left, the Creepypastas are free to do whatever they please until he returns. Jeff the Killer obtains new suicide fuel, Slender Man comes out as to who he truly is, and Ticci Toby really, really likes carrot-flavored waffles. We are so sorry.

the slender mansion was quiet. jk. everybody was screaming because why not. jeff was preparing some toast. he pulled out some round bread and put it in the toaster. just as he pulled down on the toaster handle to toast the bread, slenderman strutted into the kitchen.

"hello subhuman" slenderman proclaimed proudly as he existed. jeff scoffed. "hi." the mansion had a more chaotic air into it everr sinbce masky had left last night. he was taking a vacation day to go to lost didney wold. he said he would be back at 12, so everybody was free to do whatever crazy shit they wanted until then. masky was the one that kept them in line. now he is gone.

slenderman entered the fridge and pulled out a single leaf of broccoli. jeff looked at the leaf. "my dude wtf" he wwhispered into the wild. slenderman looked at the leaf too. "I can't even fucking eat this I don't have a fucking mouth wtf goddamnit" he then absorbed the leaf rectally as that is the only way he is capable of voting. jeff watched the entire thing. he then took the toast that was still toasting in the toaster and tthrew it out because there was no way he was gonna eat anything after witnessing tthat traumatizing event. he then pulled out the latest iPhone 666 and dialed a suicide hotline as he exited the realm of the kitchen. slenderman sighed. he took another broccoli leaf. caressing it, he gently whispered, "I'll absorb you later bb do not worry" he then kissed it with his non-existent mouth.

then ticci toby entered the kitchen. he wanted pancakes.

toby witnessed slenderman making out with the broccoli leaf. "***oh god almighty bless my soul for I have witnessed the greatest of all evils and can no longer bear existence on this horrible and painful planet***" toby gasped. he then went to vore his favourite comfort food: frozen waffles that were carrot flavored. he ate the box and everything.

slenderman began to cry. he felt very insulted and would not tolerate this kind of abuse in his own home that he lent to the creepypasta family without even charging any sort of rent because slenderman is a communist and doesn't know how to business.

"how dare you" he spoke. "you come into my kitchen to eat my carrot waffles and you in salt me because I am broccosexual fuck you love is love I can love whomever I want you fucking cunt"

toby stopped. "***we stan a broccosexual kween yaaaaasssssss***" then he left because slenderman was scary. for once. hah.

slenderman sighed (again) and sat down at the kitchen table. "when will people learn to accept me as who I am and not as who they want me to be," he began to weep. "I will always love you, leaves of broccoli. they can never separate us. and if they do I'll just buy more."


	2. this is so sad can we fuck waffles alexa play don't you dare forget the sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clockwork wants to get it on. Ticci Toby only wants his carrot waffles. Shitty irish accents and literal character death ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters are really short, we apologize. They will get longer the deeper we go into this hellhole.

toby went into his room. clockwork was on his bed. naked. "***spicy***" toby said as he paid no mind to her as he was busy with his carrot waffles that he has regurgitated because he ate them all in the kitchen. clockwork got jealous because she was being favored over a fucking food item. "oi yee facking cuck ya sit with us dam square shaped looking ass pancakes and pay no mins ta ta wifue ya twink looking a sis bktch cum over har and fake me yis faggot,@!!"  
  
"***oh no that's incorrect***" toby stated. "***as a matter of fact I am a hexagonal pancake thank you very much***" toby proceeded to slobber all over his waffles. clockwork died. "ya goddamn pansy vityc ye fucking wafl how I'm litryly dying ove there sndb ya facing battle in ya goddamn god pastrys FAK"  
  
toby was shook. "***yaaaaaassss we stan a ghost kween yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss***"  
then clockwork died. that was her end. but it was only just the beginning of something new.... jk that was last chapter. toby then made love to his carrot waffles because who doesn't wanna stick their dick in a carrot waffle.


	3. God has left the server.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laughing Jack, Eyeless Jack, and BEN Drowned are sent with a grocery shopping list to, well, go grocery shopping. How this ends up with Laughing Jack in jail is unknown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas 2018 everybody! Why the fuck are you here and not with your friends and family?

laughing jack and ej and ben had gone to the supermarket because they needed food to fuckin live. "whおおp whおおp" lj screamed as they entered the local 'specific piece of earth dedicated to nourishing content'. "wえ nええd mおrえ fあygお" he rapped. ej sighed in emoji. "😤❌🍼" he signed with his face somehow. lj screamed, "yおう'rえ nおt my mおm rえええええええええええええええええええ" lj then ran to steal all of the faygo. ej and ben were now left alone to shop by themselves. "oKaY sO wHaT dO wE nEeD" ben asked. ej took out a piece of paper from his eyesocket and tried to read it with his nonexistent eyes. "👨👩👧👦🙏🧀🥚🍰🍭🍬🍼🍻🍹🍸🍷🍺🥃🥂🔪🔪🔪🍞🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🍆" ej read the list. ben nodded. "oKaY i hAvE nO iDeA hOw yOu sAiD tHaT WiTh yOuR mOuTh bUt i tHiNk i uNdErStAnD" ben then took the cart cuz even tho he was 12 or something he was the better driver, and they went to the dairy section to get the first couple items needed.  
  
in the dairy section, they got the eggs and the cheese that they needed. they could hear lj screaming from across the store. "fUcKiN Lj gOdDaMNiT" ben proclaimed. they then went to the candy section and loaded up on cheesecake and candy.  
  
to find the faygo that they were going to lawfully pay for, they needed to go to lj because he would be where the faygo is. they followed the screaming until they found lj frantically duct taping bottles of faygo to his chest. "い'm gおnnあ stえあl いi" he scream-rapped. "nO Lj dOn'T dO tHaT SiR tHaT iS iLLeGaL" ej agreed. "い dおn't cあrえ" lj rapped. ben and ej got their faygo before lj could duct tape it all to his chest, and set off to load up on the alcohol. lj, however, had different plans.  
  
he went to the cash register lady person and tried to purchase a singular grape with illegal russian money. the cash register lady person said "no sir that is illegal russian moneys you cannot purchase this singular grape unless you give me the correct legal dollar. lj screamed and opened up his trenchcoat to reveal the strapped faygo. "いT'S GおNNあ FうCKいNG BLおW STえP あWあY FRおM THえ BおMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" lj then ran out of the store with the faygo that he did not pay for. he was then promptly arrested.  
  
ej and ben did not notice. they had gotten their alcohol and had even gotten the kitchen knives and loaf of bread that they also needed. they were filling their cart with armfuls of broccoli when ej's phone went off. putting down the broccoli, he picked up his phone and answered.  
  
"🤗" ej said.  
"sir we have mr laughing jack in custody and we need you to pick him up and pay bail." a friendly officer on the other side of the line informed him.  
"🤡🚔?!?!?!" ej gasped. ben turned from the broccoli. "gOdDaMNiT i kNeW tHiS wOuLd hApPen, wE sHoULdN't hAvE LeT HiM rUn oFf LiKe tHaT!!!" ben was freaking out.  
"🆗️🆒️👍" ej replied and hung up. he turned to ben and dramatically exclaimed........  
  
"👨👩👧👦🚔🔫💲💱💰💸💷💶💵💴"  
ben gasped, but realized that they were gonna be broke af after buying all of the groceries, so he nodded and agreed to commit a crime.


	4. give me your money

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BEN Drowned and Eyeless Jack 'outsmart' Grossman the Drug/Eggplant Dealer, and they both proceed to rob the bank as spontaneously planned literally 5 minutes ago.

after exiting the food store the gang realized that they still need the egg planet "he he hay kid I got some egg plant back in this here ally, they're farm fresh daily" Gross Man said emerging from the creepy ass alley way he calls home "🤷♂️👁❔❌" Ej said as they enterent the Ally to perches the plant of egg  
  
gross man cackled. "haha they have fallen for my trap" but ben heard him. "eXcUsE mE wHaT tHe fUcK sTrAnGeR dAnGeR" he managed to steal the eggplant and run. ej walked because he was too lazy to run.  
  
"HaHa fReE eGgPLaNT" ben proclaimed. gross man began to weep in the background because he was a loser and had failed once again.

once the eggplant had been obtained, ben and ej dropped off the groceries at the slendermansion. there they loaded themselves up with totally 100% legal semi-automatic firearms, as well as ammo. just as they were about to cock and load their guns, jeff the killer walked into the living room.

"my dude wtf are ya gonna kashoot up the school?" jeff the killer yodelled. ej just stared at him.

"nO yOu fAt fUcK" ben scowled. "fAt AsS LoOkiN aSs rAt BiTcH fUcK nUgGeTs!!!!!!"

"wow" jeff said. he just got 'rekt.' he then had a seizure.

ej just shrugged. "🏃♂️🏃♂️" he suggested.

ben nodded. "gOoD iDeA LeT's gO fUcK sHiT uP!!!"

then they left the slendermansion, off to the nearest town with the nearest bank. they left jeff the killer seizuring on the living room floor. cuz, y'know, fuck 'em.

 

\--

 

ben and ej abortion kicked the bank entrance doors down. "GiVe mE aLL yOuR mOnEy yOu fUcKeRs!" ben screamed. "✅" ej equally screamed.

the bank till lady looked up from her paperwork with a very bored expression.

"no u." she deadpanned.

"WoW wHaT a PoWeR mOvE," ben exclaimed, "bUt tOdAy'S oPpOSiTe dAy!"

"well shit." the bank till lady sighed. "al-"

ben shot her right through her labia. "bOoYAh!" he cheered, dabbing over her corpse. ej just stared at him.

"nOw, mOnEy TiMe!"

ben and ej roamed around the bank, shooting everybody in sight. eventually they stumbled upon the vault entrance.

“⚖️💍💎💶💴💵💸💰💷” EJ EXCLAIMED Ben swooped in and grabbed a armful of the money “WeRe FuCkInG rIcH nOw BoYs” the shortass elf lad screeched, EJ sometimes wished that Ben did not have vocal cords as his voice could reach a pitch only dogs should be able to hear.

They then stuffed the money into the packbacks and took off goblin sprinting at top speed as they could hear police sirens in the near distance.


	5. oops dopey we made s little ducky sucky and also he got out of jail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laughing Jack has some... experiences... while in jail. Thankfully, he gets bailed out at a very convenient time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: sexual assault for the first paragraph or so. It's not treated seriously, but this is here just in case.

meanwhile the preizbon, laughing jack had become the prison bitch for a 400 pound Albanian woman with a toilet brush strap on. the seventeen Chinese chindd greasball spoke in the tone that sounded between a toad and and chronic smoker.  
"bend over it's time to clean ur hole"  
laughing jack screamed in a rap rythem though it was muffled by belly lint gag the grease stained hog had pulled out this morning. it was soggier than the last. laughing Jack's sockets winded as he felt her slimy calacesd yand push up against his hole to widen him up enough so that the extra large toilet rush would have room.  
  
"your starting to loose up already this ain't your first time is it"

laughing jack noticed the Albanian woman's bulge. "おwお whあt's thいs?"

the Albanian woman froze. "wat"

laughing jack purred to the beat of Rap God by eminem.. "pwえあsえ mおmmy lえt mえ drいnk あll yおうr cummいえs lいkえ fあygお うwう"

the Albanian woman was about to retort when suddenly Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope materialized in the mortal realm, in the same spot as the woman, splitting her into 666 itty bitty pieces. blood spattered everywhere and landed in lj's still-widened eyes, immediately giving him 420 different types of deadly stds, if he didn't already have them (who can know?)

 

"YOUUUU THEREEEEE" Violent J boomed with the voice of a god. "HOW DARE THEE TRESSPASS AGAINST THE POSSE OF INSANE CLOWNS BY RAPPING THE CURSED SONG"

"おh nお!" lj screamed. "whあt wいll い えvえr dお?!" he turned to look you in the eyes. silence ensues.

"yえs! thあt's rいght! い'll scrえあm fおr あ gうあrd! vあnあmおs!" lj, having suddenly changed from his usual outfit to a dora the explorer cosplay 7 sizes too small for him, screamed bloody murder in spanish. Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope covered their ears, less they implode.

"SATAN DAMNIT" Shaggy 2 Dope yelled to his clown bro, barely audible. "WE HAVE TO GET OUTTA HERE, HE'S TOO POWERFUL"

"CURSED, HE'LL UNDERSTAND THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS SOON ENOUGH!!1111!11!11!1!!!!11!1"

and suddenly they were gone.

lj did not notice. he continued to scream.

 

"oh my gOD WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" a voice shrieked behind him.

lj stopped screaming (thank god) and turned around. "hうh?" he scream-inquired.

"come on bucko, ya got bailed." a police officer in one of those skimpy police officer outfits male hookers wear drawled with a 'please shoot my fucking brains out' look in his eyes.

"おh." lj rapped in proclamation. "おk."

 

outside of the prison, ben and ej were waiting for him. lj immediately remembered what happened at the grocery store, and hung his head in shame.

"wHaT dO yOu sAy..." ben urged. lj sighed in screamo.

"い'm sおwwy..." lj mumbled.

"gOoD." ben nodded. "nOw gEt iN tHe cAr, wE gOtTa gEt yOu hOmE."

"おwkあyyy" lj nodded back. ben and ej walked lj back to the car. ben would drive, since although he was 12 or something, he was a better driver driving cars as well as shopping carts than ej was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't yell at us for this godforsaken chapter: ikkka's boyfriend actually wrote the beginning scene. Yell at him (but don't actually, I owe him a lot because of this).  
> Also, the next chapter will be a very long chapter.  
> P R E P A R E Y O U R S E L V E S .


	6. Salad Tossing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eyeless Jack, BEN, and Laughing Jack make it back to the Slendermansion in (mostly) one piece. With grocery shopping done, and Slenderman out on a 'date,' the Creepypastas take the opportunity to relax before the next task is given.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm stoned and half alseep
> 
> Alternate Chapter Title: 6 Pages of Pure Hell
> 
> Warning: Poorly written smut ahead. Viewer's discretion is advised.

Ben *KICKS DOWN THE DOOR* "rEeEeEeEeEeEeE"   
Jeff "MY DUDE WTF I WAS ALMOST IN THE LEADER BORED AND YOU FUCIIJGN KICKED DOWN THSI GOD DAMN DOOR ANDNSCARED THE FYCI ANDNI THENNIBGOT SHOT HOLY SHIT BEN"   
Ben "yOuLl NeVeR bE bEtTeR tHeN nInJa YoU eDgY bAsTaRd"   
Jeff "YOU ABSOLUTE CUCK YOUR 12 AND DONT KNIW TALENT WHEN YOU SEE IT IM THE BEST FORNITE GAMER THIS MORTAL PLANE HAS EVER SEEN"   
BEN *PUNCHES JEFF WHERE HIS NOSE WOULD HAVE BEEN*   
JEFF "YOU FUCKER" ,* AGRESSIVELY HYPE DANCES TO ASERT DOMINACE*   
Ben is intimidated and runs away to his runs to his room like a pussy lmao   
"another victory for the Fornite Nation" *flosses*   
  
ej and lj, having entered the room with ben, stand shocked añd mortified. hoody never stopped making out with his shrek stuffie on the couch throughout the entire ordeal.   
  
jeff eventually got tired of flossing. "ugh, you guys are no fun" he groaned. he sat back down on the floor with his controller and picked up fortnite again.   
  
ej, snapping out of his existential crisis and colossoal confusion, suddenly remembered lj's existence.   
  
"✅? 🏨" he asked with his face. hearing ej snapped lj out of his own crisis.   
  
"い hあvえ sええn うnfおrgいvあblえ sいnfうl thいngs" he scream-deadpanned.   
  
"🏨🏨🏨?"   
  
"hmmm? おh. yえあh, fいnえ."   
  
and with that, ej lead lj down the stairs and into the basement.......   m s   p ' s   l a i r   


  
  
\--

  
  
  
meanwhile, Slenderman walks up to the handsome blue skinned blonde haired man, he knocked on the door to the tune that Anne does in Fo You Wanna build a Snowman. Frankie stepped out, his spotless white wife-beater blew gently in the warm summer breeze. "Henlo slenderman" Frankid says in a sexy way "Hewwo fWankie-kun" Slender flirtatiously giggles. “Cum on in” Frankie flirtatiously exclaimed, side strepping to let the man of slender through the door to his apartment. “Why thank you fellow foodsexual, i appreciate your generous generosiry” Slender complimented. Frankie giggled like a 14 year old japanese school girl.

 

Frankie was caulisexual. This was obvious as when you entered his apartment, he had a shrine in his living room dedicated to his love of cauliflower. Slender could suympatheize with Frankie’s love for his aformentioned cauliflower, as slender loved his broccoli leabes just as much. On the shrine sat Frankie’s special cauliflower, bulb and everything, wrapped in a dshtowel. Frankie went over and picked it up and cradled it.

 

“You have lovely offspring” Slender said, cummming over and boopng the cauliflower’s ‘’’’’head’’’’’. Flankie nodded, “I agree.” Slenderman then wrapped his arms around Frankie’s midriff, nuzzling his facelass face against frankie’s well-groomed precious locks. “I bet  _ our _ offspring woiuld be just as lovely” Slender casually stated. Frankie giggled his horrific hellish gggle agianin. “Hehehehehe, you wanna make some… broccoli and cauliflower salad?” Frankie turned around so that he was chest to chest with slender, ofc leaving room for his cauliflower child to not be squished between the two totally manly men. “I was patiently waiting for you to say that” slender and frankie then kissed. Krankie set the cauliflower on the shrine again and brought his arms up to slender’s very elongated neck, kissing himk back. “Let me get my special kinky cauliflower,” frankie whispered (into the wld) when he pulled away from slender’s imaginary lips. “And we can take this to the bedroom.” Slender nodded, slightly hasping. “Yesss” he said, excited immediately.   
  


 

\--

 

 

“God fucking damnit lj what the fuck did you do this time gjod hedjfdoikekofdsnkjl juehiasoidkf i’m alwsays fixing  your problems gohdsud fucking nsjdf” ms P seizured when EJ brought LJ downstairs into her laier for treatment. LJ, sitting on the examination table, jut sighed. “い’m sおrry mおmmy いt wあsn’t my fあうlt いt wあs あ wおmあn's fあうlt shえ あlmおst hうrt mえ い’m sおrry” lj was on the verge of a major mental breakdown as vietnam flashbacks staerted to fill his mind, oh the horrific things he had witnessed and felt in that prison, oh gfdod oh fuck oh fuck oh no he was thinking again ahah-

 

“Shhhhh child it is okay” ms P said, having a change of a heart “yu are safe now, i will heal you”

 

Lj just sat there sobbing as ms P prepared her surgical tools. “🧑🤡🆗️🔜?” ej signed very worryingly. “...... yes,,,” ms p said, “i will heal him” she reiterated.

 

Ms P prepared a needle. Lj noticed said needle, and looked at it skeptically. “whあt いs いn thえrぇ?” lj screamo-asked. Ms P just smiled. “Do not worry dear it is a cure i concockted to cure all stds int he world because i know all of y’all are just a bunjchf of nassht6y man whores”

 

Lj and ej collectvely chose not to be insulted byt that. “おk…” he rapped confuzzledly.

 

Ms P flicked the end of the needle like evil doctors do in the movies, “jack of laughing please proceed to expose your shoulder”

 

Lj yeehaw’d his suspenders off, and then yeeted his shirt over his head, exposing a lot more than his shoulders compliantly. “Excellent” ms p said. She lined up the needle to his shoulder. “This will hurt but it;s okay i’ll give you a lollpop after if you’re a good boy”

 

Lj liked lollipops. He did not have time to process the information though as ms P then proceeeded to jam the needle into his shoulder. He shreaked lke a little itcch. “おw おうch fうck ああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああ”

 

“Sjhhhhhhh be a good boy lj be a good boy”

 

Lj continued to sob. After slowly dispensing the medication that was in the needle, ms P swiftly pulled the needle out of lj’s shoulder. Lj yipped again at the pain that the pulling caused, but afterwards all that was left was a dull ache.

 

Choking back the remander of his tears, lj rapped thankfully, “thあnks Ms P, wあs い あ gwおおd bwおy” the uwu in his voice was strong.

 

Ms P just shrugged. “sure , whatever makes you happy bucko” she then yeeted a handful of lollipops at lj.

 

Ej, whomst was standing off to the side, finally chimed in again. “👕🔛?” he signed, his mask poorly hiding his embarassment because body language exist y’know,,

 

“あh! rいgjt…” lj laughed his really creepy fuckin laugh and proceeded to put his shirt bacxk on. Ej was almost sad when lj’s rippply muscles and succulent nipples were concealed now by his clothing. And not to forget his point collarbone and attractive shoulders…

 

Ej quickly shook his head comedically to break his train of thought. “🙏✏💁♀️” he signed thankfully, “😊🤷♂️🤡🆗️.”

 

“wえll yおu bえttえr fうckいng bえ, い cおうld'vえ dいえd!”

 

“😅😅😅” was all ej could ‘’’’’speak’’’’’. He did not want to think about the past anymore.

 

Lj tried to get off of the examination table, but a sharp pain went up his ass and he immediately stopped moving. “おw my fうckいng あss hうrts stいll…” he mumble-rapped.

 

“Here,” Ms P said, handing lj a bottle of soothing cream. “Go finger yourself crazy but not in my fuckong lab”

 

Lj just kinda.. Took it and ran. But like, ran as good as a bastard with rectal pains could.so not vewry good.

 

Ej followed him out of the lab, but decided to go join the wild things in the living room, because heh did not think that lj would appreciate him following him to the bathroom. However, he did lingure a bit, because watching lj wobble up the stairs was amusing to him.

  
  


\--

  
  


Frankie walked into the room, shirt off. Slender man was laying sudcitively on th3e waering nothing but a thong with Stalins face on it “wowie” says frankie “i didnt know tyou also had a passoin for papi Stalin” his russian accent was strong. Slender blushes “well hwta canbn n i say i love equality as much as the next guy” he says. Leanbing into to Kiss Franie passionately on hte lips

“Wow you’re Communism is so attarctive” “moans Frabn\kiue. FRANJKIE BEGINS TO UNBOOTON HJIS PANTS “MMMmmmmm lemnmma see that d i c k” says SLender nan Frankie hands slender his peen, slender man rubs the d icc agaisnt his face, becuase he has no mouth so that meAns no blowjobs, its sad but they will mange “h-howw does this feewl daddy UwU” slender man purrs. “G o o d” frankie     m o a n e d.

 

“Hand me the cauliflower” Slenderman spoke. Frankie shivered at the thought of what was cumming next. He passed slenderman the kinky cauliflower and slender began using his fingers to pry open a hole at the top of the caulflower head.

 

“Oh great communist leader you are teasing me” Frankie groaned, finally taking a place on the bed. Slenderman shifted so that he was sitting on frankie’s legs, and frankie was layting down. “Be patient frankie wankie” slender purred. A few seconds later, and Slender was starting to use the cauliflower as a fleshlight on frankie. It was difficult to move at first because slender did not make a big enough hole, but with enough force Frankie was able to get it to fit around the tip.

 

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm yes cauliflower time” frankie exclaimed excitedly. Slenderman was happy. He continued moving the cauliflower around and by the way frankie was responding to it, it was a good decision to continue. After no time was frankie clawing at the bedsheets and arching his back, slenderman slowling inching his way forwards.

 

“I-i-i-i’m gonna c-cum slendy-chan!!!!!” frankie screamed, and the nhe did.

 

Needless to say, the cauliflower was now soiled.

 

Slenderman felt accomplished. “Uwu i did a good jkob it would seem”

 

“Yes yes, it felt better than abolishing capitalism would feel”

 

Slenderman set the cauliflower down and pulled out a broccoli out of who knows where.

 

“Care to return the favor?” slendermqan asked seduceedly

 

“Why not at all” frankie said.

 

Suiddenly, grossman burst throug hthe fucking wal lfrom the neighboring apartment

 

“WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS NOIS-” he paused when he witnessed frankie and slenderman in the very compromising position they were in. but he then continued to freak.

 

“wHsT HUTRFHUE FUCK RE YOU TWO DOING G THIS IS GDOSS THAT BETTER NOT BE THWAT I THINK IT IS-”

 

Frankie quickly whipped and nae-nae’d a blanket over himself to cover himself. “STOP FUCKING JUDGIN YOU INCEL I AM CAULISEXUAL AND YOU JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT”

 

“THIS IS ILLEGAL” GROSSMAN retorted. “THISW IS LIKE BEASTIALITY BUT WITH VEGANS OR SOMETHINJG”

 

“FUCK THE LAW” frankie screamed back. “I WILL NOT OBEY THE CAPITALIST PIGS OIN THIS GOVERNMENT”

 

Slenderman jsut kinda sat there awkwardly. But then grossman noticed the broccoli.

“OH GOD DAMNIT YOU’RE USING BROCCOLI TOO THAT’S LIKE INCEST BUT WITH VEGANWS OR SOMETHING GOD DAMN YOU DSICK BASTARDS”

 

It was slenderman’s turn to be mad. “YOU DISCRIMINATORY PIG I’M BROCCOSEXUAL AND LOVE IS LOVE, LOVE HAS NO SPECIES AND Y OU WILL ACCEPT ME AND FRANKE’S BROCCO-CAULI SOLIDARITY YOU FAT CUCK”

 

Grossman just ree’d. He had ran out of epic ways to destroy the liberals.

 

“YOU’RE FUCKING IN FRONT OF  _ MY _ SALAD AND I AM OFFENDED” grossman retorted after he gave his slow brain time to process another epic way to destroy the liberals.

 

“YEaH WEL LWE’RE OFFENDED THAT YOU’RE OFFENDED”

 

“WELL FUCK” grossman just screamed. “I’VE BEEN OWNED”

 

He then ran back through the wall and enterfed his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. He then began to cry. He turned on his tv and started watching toyko ghoul as it is the only show that can calm his poor, autistic brain.

 

Frankie and slenderman looked at each other, trying to figure out if what happened had actualyt happened. In the end they decided ‘’fuck it’’ and they continued with their godforsaken actions, completely ignoring the broken wall that was sure to get frankie evicted later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why are you reading this, you should be ashamed. go pray. repent for your sins.


	7. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toby takes time to mourn the loss of his beloved Work of Clock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RottenGoreGoblin wrote this chapter themselves, I (ikkka) didn't edit anything but formatting and the chapter title.

Toby sat in his dark room alone. the sdulled sunlight shining threw the curtins seemed to spot light the bed ajascent to his, it almost felt like the universe was mocking him, highlighting the spot where his girlfriend last lay before her untimely death only a few hour prior. he fouscued his gaze on the dust particals caught in the light, he started counting them trying to take his mind off clockwork "***one, two, three, four, five, si-"

 

he was cut-off a Jeff burst threw the door "OI DINNERS READY SO COME DOWNSTAIRS AND STOP MOAPING AROUND YOU WHINY BITCH" Toby snapped hi hed aroud to face Jeff, anger sweapt over his face "***hoe DARE you talk to me in that way, YOU KNOW how much "whinny Bitch" was th pet name she gave ME YOU DO NT HAVE THE RIGHT TO USE IT ONLY HER***" tears began to well in the brunetts eyes, the white faced blakc haired man, realizing that he proably didnt cme in at a good time, but not really giving enough of a fuck to make an effort to comfort that older boy, rolled his eyes and begin to back out of the room, slammin g the door behind him.

 

Toby was alone, once again. he stood up from his bed and stretched, turning his attention to the shared night stand, at the head end between him and Clockworks bed, it had a picture of them framed on it, her wallet and some jewlery. he felt a deep hallowness within him when he looked at the pcture, in the photograph they where both smiling wide, it was taken in 2015 for valentines he had given her a stuffed giraffe that year, it was pink and had red hearts for spots, she loved it. the Smiles on each of their faces felt like two dagger being hammared threw his chest, he looked away from the picture but Clcokworks girrafe collection caught his eye, the pink one he gifted her was front and center, it was just anther cruel reminder of the beautiful life that was taken in a such a unfair way, he truely felt as thou he'd never feel that happy angain.

 

He inhailed deeply but started caughing, his throat was raw an scratchy and his eyes where dry, even if he couldnt feel pain he ould still feel the discomfort. he was both mentally and pphysically exausted so he decided his best courase of action was to sleep, or try to sleep at the very least. he did in fact mange to drift off at somepoint but he didnt get to engoy the peaceful bliss of seep for long before his door was slammed open for the secind time that day and hes sharplly woken with a

"ToBiEeEeE wEe HaVeEe A mIsSiOn NoW sToP yOuRe CrY wAnK aNd CoMe DoWn StAiRs' Ben screeched befre hobblining down the hallway, tripping over a my little pony, and falling down the stairs.


	8. The Return of the Albanian Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ms. P forgot to mention another 'side' effect of the anti-STD serum she injected into Laughing Jack, and Laughing Jack discovers what that 'side' effect is the hard way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like LJ x EJ because that's a thing now. it was an impulsive decision.
> 
> sorry for the very long wait! we got stuck halfway through the chapter and only regained our creative drive months later while watching shitty black butler mmd videos.

A minute or so after ben had left his room, ticci toby’s iPhone 420 began to buzz. looking up from having his eyes in his hands toby reluctantly went to answer the call.

 

“***h-hewwo,>?***” toby murmured, voice fucked from his violent sobbing.

 

“greetings subhuman,” slenderman slendered. “I have a mission for you.”

 

“***yeah, ben busted intomy room to declare that***” toby sighed. Slenderman nodded through the phone, as if that’s fucking possible. “Indeed, I called him before you. thou shall seek me a furby of the long.”

 

“***a wat***”

 

“A log furby, oh my gfuckign god have you een on tumblr erecently, god ufckging uncultured siwne-”

 

“***okay okay jeesh alright, i will gety ou a long furby, jesus christ-chan***” toby groaned from the depths of his belly.

 

slender expressed his content by doing his best hentai moan. “thank you, my chikd. You shall take jeff, ben, and hoody with you.”

 

“***whaaaaat!! whyyyyyyyy?!?!***” toby actually groaned the way normal people do, “***i don’t wanna!!!***”

 

“Ticci toby you will do this or i will no longer finance your crippling waffle addiction” slender threatened scarily. Toby sighed, “***fine, prick. I will gather the others and we’ll go, jfc***”

 

“Good!” slender praised. “Now off y ou go noww” amnd slender hung up the phone.

 

Toby rolled his eyes. This was gonna be _fun._ He rubbed his eyes, snorted a line, all in all got refreshed so it didn’t look like he was jujst bawling his eyes out for a millenia, and then left his eroom to go downstairs and ‘gather the others.’

 

\--

 

Downstwairs, jeff was still screaming at hiws fortnite game.

 

“hOLy fUcKinG sHiT jEfF sToP sCReAMinG jUsT cAUz yOU sUcK aT niTe oF fOrT” BEN SCREECHED.

 

“REeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeeeeeeeEEEEEE” jeff screeched back, chucking his remote at the 69’ tv. Now, the eardrums o the other creeyastas lurking inthe lidying room was not the only thing broken. A big crack now ran throught he tv, the leds on the tv completely fucking fucked. Jeff, once realizing he has ruinied his chances of playing any more fortnite at all, began to reeeeee eeven louder.

 

“jEfF sToP!!” ben. Jeff did not stop. Ben, realizing this, fuckint tackled jeff to the ground and slaqmmed his esoiphagus into jeff’s pressure point, knocking him up instantly. Hoody never stopped making out with his shrek stuffie. hjoody would never stop making out with his shrek stuffie. ej , like most things, just ignored what was going on. he learned his lesson about questioning the shit that went on in this godforsaken mansion of slender 4 chapters ago.

 

Ticci tobby turned around the corner, peering into the living oom, and immediately wishing he didn’t.

 

“***wjhomst the fuck***” he proclaimed shittily. “***what the fuck happened here holy fuck is jeff dead?!?!***”

 

“gOd i fUcKiNg WiSh” ben scrEeEeEched. “nAh fAm hE iS joOsT sLePpiNG”

 

“***oh. okay cool***” toby shrugged. “***anyways y’all gotta come with me, slender’s gevin us a mussion.***”

 

“あ mいssいおn?” lj screEeEeEeEeEEEeeEemo-asked.

 

Ticci tiby tuned around to see lj had now joined everyboyd uin the living room, just barely standing on the opposite side of the doorway that toby was leaning agaisnst. Toby noticed his weird posture right away.

 

“***ay yo lj, you aight? Your posture’s a little loppy there***” he asked.

 

Lj froze. “う-うhh-”

 

“😡😡😡” ej scream-signed. “🙎♂️🤡🆗️❗❗❗🚫⁉️🚫❗❗❗” ej was quick to jump to lj’s defense.

 

“***holy fuck sheesh alright jeez-***” toby backed off. “***ben, jeff, hoody, y’all gotta come with me***”

 

“but i was playing fOrTNiTe!!!!!” jeff ree’d like the incel he was.

 

“***not anymore bucko, come on***”

 

Toby had to drag jeff by his hood to get him to go with him, but soon they all managed to run off on their mission or something, and now ej and lj were in the living room alone.

 

\--

 

"sお..." lj scream-inquired, "hあ... yおう rえあlly dいdn't hあvえ tお stあnd うp fおr mえ..."

 

ej turnee to him and said "😎👍.". lj turned to face ej and smiled a bit.

 

"🤡🆗️?" EJ asked.

 

lj sighed to a rap beat and turned his head away again, a blush creping up on his monokuromu face. "y-yえあh, い-い'm おkあy."

 

"✅," ej replied with relief, "🤡💀," ej pointed to himself, "🧑🤯"

 

"r-rえあlly?" lj blushed, "y-yおう rえあlly cおrえ thあt mうch あbおうt mえ?"

 

"👍" ej said. he stammered a bit, doin that anime thing where he pointed his fingers together like 👉👈, and with a anime blushe somehow creeping up on his mask to match lj's, he sighned very softly…

 

"😍❤…"

 

lj froze. w o a h. did..m did ej just confess his love to him??? reading the emojis he spew3d out as 'speech' wqs difficult at times, but there was no mistaking that. ej just told him he loved him.

 

"い..." lj grabbed ej's hands, starting him right in the eyesockets, getting eerioy close to hise face, "い lおvえ yおう tおお."

 

there was no time to rejoice, though. suddenly, an 3normous pain shot through pj's eyes.

 

"あああああああああああああああああ!!!!!!!!" lj screeched-rapped, releasing ej's hands to grasp at his eyes. hYpErReALiStiC bLoOd started pooling in his eyes, dripbbling down his face, staining the white on his clithes red.

 

"🤡🆗️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️" ej signed franticslly, grabbing lj's arms.

 

"DおえS いT LおおK LいKえ い'M おKあY?!?!?! Nお!!!!!" lj screamoed, but he eruoted info screams again as his pain drifted from his eyes to his entire face, slowly trailing down until the pain went through everything on his upper body and pooled in his intestines, where it only increased in intensity.

 

ej did not know what to do at all. he just stood there, terrified and concerned, frantically trying to wracked his brain for solitions, but if he dolidnt know what was even happenign, he couldn't help much.

 

Lj toppled over in pain, crashing to the ground, curling up in the fetal position, hich did nothing to help the pain. he kept screaming, blood kept pouring out his eyes, beginning to pour out his nose as well, and whenever he wasn't screaming he was coughing up blood. ej dropped to the ground with him, rushing to loom over him as a sort of cmfort, but he really couldnt do anything ut watch.

 

suddenly, lj's eyes shot open from their previously closed state, his pupils so dillated they were unseeable by the humann  eye, and then his pants tore open, and out came…

 

AN OBESE BABY.

 

"WAAAAHHHH WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH" the baby cried, as if he was waluigi or something. ej quickly picked up the baby, realized she 2qs a female, and then immediately dropped her on her head, vecause god forbid he face a lawsuit for sexual harassment by picking up a female baby without her permission.

 

lj screamo-groaned, voice harsher than normal. his eyes began to heal, as well as the internal organ damage he experienced by rectally birthing this beast of a baby, and in seconds e was all better, completely healed, including the anal damage he had experienced in prison.

 

"hうh… い'm cうrえd!" he exclaimed in hip-hop format, and EJ sighed a sigh of relief for the second time, just happy that his heloved was okay.

 

then ej's nonexisent eyes drifted towards the screaming infant.

 

"... 👼?" he asked.

 

"hm?" lj then noticed the child, and his eyes widened again, nお... nおt… nおt hえr…"

 

"😧?" ej huh'd.

 

"thえ... thえ あlbあnいあn wおmあn… mY CHいLD!!!!"

 

lj rushed over to the barely-qualified-as-a-child, picking it up and rocking it.

 

"🅾️" was all EJ could say.

 

lj cradled the… _being…_ . and the Albanian baby seemed soothed. the awful thing was ufgly as fuckk, but ej couldnt pry his eyes away from the scene. lj was cuddling ad cooing and aweing at this.. his monstrosity!!! and all ej could do was ziff there, watch, warch as watch his hunk- uh I mean beast of a man -€ uh I mean clown  of a man expressed a fatherly bond with this Satan Reincarnate. no, no… it could only be described as a _motherly_ bond.

 

"おh swええt sうmmえr chいld, hおw wいll pあpあ lあうghいng jあck tあkえ cあrえ おf yおう?"

 

ej froze. this was his chance!! his time!!!!! to become clkser with laughing jack, he could offer his aids! a little 💡 dinged above ej's hoodied head like the fuckin weeb he is. all he had to do, was speak.

 

"👶🤡👬?" ej sputtered out.

 

lj slowly cranked his head to face ej. "いsn't いt bえうtifうl, えJ?" lj creepily rapped. "yおう wあnnあ rあいsえ thえ spあwn wいth mえ?"

 

ej took a mkment to reconsider his oltions, but shook himself out of his self doubt and quickly nodded. it was too late. he was committed. he would do anything for lj, even help raise the Albanian child that had been a rapist women only hours prior.

 

"gおおd,,,,, gおおおおおおd…." lj mumble-wrapped. he offered the chikd out to EJ, beckoning to hold the hellspawn with his own two grey arms.

 

"wおうld yおう tお hおld いt?" he asked to the tune of Miracles by ICP.

 

ej sweated like hot yaoi anime boy and nodded, and lj gently passed over the naked, obese offspring. the baby was slimy, still covered in whatever the fuck was/is in lj's guts, including the black sludhe-like clown blood lj possesses in his veins. ej kinda recoiled back, clearly dosgusted, but he gulped and but on a brave face for his beloved.

 

"👶🤒💧?" ej asked.

 

lj sighed, scratching the back of his neck like boy of anime. "yえあh, i sうppおsえ yおうr rいght, wえ shおうld bあthえ いt." he responded in rap formation.

 

"👶🛁." ej concurred, and he got up with the Albanian baby in his arms, lj taking some yime but following suit.

 

ej lead the way to the bathroom, and once lj qas in with him, they shut the door and ej handed off the baby to lj so he could prepare the bath. ej made the bath water way too hat for a newborn to handle, and proceeded to fill the bath with toxic minion soup. lj dropped the baby into the bath and the baby immediately started developing 4th degree burns.the minion soup gave the baby irreversible toxic damage. EJ and lj immediately started freaking out, and ej put his hands in the water to rescue the baby, only to end up with similar burns on his hands as well.

 

"❌❌❌❌❌!!!!!" ej screamed in emoji, watchign as the skin on his hands began to melt.

 

it was too late. ej's hhand skin was destroyed, and when ej looked back into the bathtub, the obese baby had dissolved like a bath bomb.

 

lj was horrified. truly, genuinly horrified. his eyes were wide and his pupils dilated. lj was quaking. his knees bucked and he fell to the tiled bathroom floor, trembling all over. ej turned to fce the clown behind him, holding his muscle-and-bones hands high in the air, skin goop and blood oozing off his arms and wrists, giving lj an equally terrified look.

 

ej whispered, voice weak, wavering and quivering, speaking in English for the first time in years…

 

"....wow."


End file.
